work is really starting to take a toll on me..
i really have to take a step back..
every..single.. muscle.. in my body is killing me.. seriously!!
i worked almost 15 hours yesterday..
i feel like i got ran over by a freight train..
my boss was thoroughly impressed with me though..
we had a very large catering function that took up almost the whole complex..
it looked fab-u-lous!! if i do say so myself!! :)
i put my thinking cap on and all of my years of experience really came in handy.
by i tell ya.. doing that while 5 1/2 months prego.. not so fun!!
onto a different topic..
i am going to be seeing a really old friend, renee, on saturday for her child's 2 year b-day party..
i have not seen her in many years..
we recently found each other on the ever so helpful myspace..
i'm really nervous.
not sure why..
we were really close for a long time.
then she got mixed up in drugs.. and we separated.
her life is crazy fabulous from what i gather..
she married a VERY wealthy man.. lives in a VERY nice home.. and raises her 2 children with ease.
i'm sure this is probably not the whole picture.. but it seem that she has it all..!!
she described keegan's b-day party like she was maddona or something..
pony rides.. clowns.. hot air balloon rides.. moon walks.. crazy!!
but the reason why i a am nervous is not the money or material things..
it's because i'm always afraid of looking like i have not made anything of myself.. like i am a failure.. like i'm not good enough.. as if i don't live up to everyone else..
is that not soo super retarded? but it's how i feel..
i always feel like i have to justify every move i make.. to twist it so it "looks" good on paper..
i hate it.. i think it's a sick complex that i got from the ass hole i have to call my father..
i really wish i didn't have to rationalize these problem is my head all the time..
it gets worse at work..
lately.. i have been running into people that i have not seen in quite a while..
they ask me about my life.. my child.. my belly.. if i still talk to so and so..
i always feel like i'm being sized up.. drilled ..
"yes.. i still talk with raphie..
yes.. i still have the poison free tattoo..
no i have not been to my ex's bar small's (why would I?)
yes, i got pregnant with trent while i was 1. unmarried 2.drunk 3. in a really low point in my life,
yes, i got married while i was pregnant but for all the right reasons"
yah see how these simple questions that people ask can mentally beat me up every time..??
what's wrong with me..
i'm sure people just are "catching up"..
but i feel the need to over analyze every question and think that they are somehow trying to get some kgb secrets out of me..
geeezz..
posted by cimmy @ 2:32 PM
6 Comments:
i have felt like that too. especially being a SAHM and having people say to me "well what do you do all day?" At times it pisses me off and other times I feel like a haven't done anything with my life because i spent nearly eight years raising daughters. i blogged about this the other day. Don't ever second guess the choices you made, Cim. It's your life and you are a proud mom and wife. I bet those people who are asking the questions are jealous of the things you've done and that you have settled into a comfortable life.
oh cim. i'm sorry you feel like that. i think it's normal though to always compare ourselves to others. i do it too sometimes. say, if i find out someone lives in a really awesome home or neighborhood and i've been trying to sell my home for two years for the price of what they bought their car for. i gained a lot more confidence once i became a mother though. i no longer feel less than around the artsy folks or AS ugly around the prettier girls. as you grow as a mother your confidence will probably continue to sprout. you are beautiful, big hearted, a super mom kind of gal. just remember those who judge you negatively aren't worth having in your life in the first place. and ... there's always people to talk to if you can't kick these thoughts :)
also cim, a lot of what you're probably feeling is because your horomones are all out of whack because you're preggers..... August, remember those crazy thoughts and feelings we'd get when we were pregnant???
no, not at all. i always have my shit together.
:)
thanks girls..
i think it's just the hormones kicking my pego ass..
you'd think i'd be used to it by now..
seeing that it feels like i have been pregnant for 3 years staight now!! :)
thanks..
love you..
xoxo.
thanks girls..
i think it's just the hormones kicking my pego ass..
you'd think i'd be used to it by now..
seeing that it feels like i have been pregnant for 3 years staight now!! :)
thanks..
love you..
xoxo.
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